Learning to Respect the Inner "No."
Saying "No" isn't always easy.
A friend recently asked for a very small favor that I didn’t want to do. This led to an internal struggle, which gave way to curiosity about why it was so hard to just say “No.”
I wrote the short piece below about what it’s like to have a “No” to something.
Since writing this piece, I’ve been in an experiment of what happens when I honor my “No” even if it doesn’t make sense or it seems like it could cause problems. I talk about one of these experiences in depth in a new Welcoming Way podcast episode.
No. Period.
“No.” is a full sentence.
It needs no props or adornment.
It needs no defense.
When used honestly, “No.” is its own defense against self-compromise and manipulation.
“No.” is rarely said to please others, or to win their approval.
It is a courageous expression of self trust and self respect, even risking another’s comfort, preference, or perceived need.
“No.” can be a dizzying act of faith, because it closes a door without knowing when or where or if a new door will open.
A true “No.” is never ours. It comes to us from some clear and distant source, though we first hear it or feel it or know it in the most intimate place inside ourselves, often like a single solid strike of a bell, from which we desperately want to flee.
“Wouldn’t it be better to make everyone comfortable?”
“Couldn’t I compromise just this once?”
No. Period.
Once you’ve heard a “No.” inside you, there is only self love and selling one’s self out.
The former is terrifying and sometimes exhilarating.
The latter is a slow painful death.
There are, of course, two kinds of “No.” (at least).
One is hard and unyielding.
The other is soft and knows that while it is a “No. Period.” it’s only ever a “No.” for now, ready to flip at the moment a “Yes.” becomes more true.
“No. Period.” is an act of love to others, too. It says “I want you to know me, the real me. And I trust you. I trust you to do whatever you need to do for you in response to my ‘No.’
I trust our truths to dance together, and maybe eventually, if not at first, we will discover some new, more creative, more mutually rewarding and honest way to relate.”
“No. Period.” is a full sentence. It’s also a life sentence.
It clarifies what is for us and what isn’t, who we are, and who we aren’t.
It is a necessary ally in claiming our one true life.
— Leah Pearlman
Here is the audio version of this short essay.
If you are currently facing your own inner “No. Period.” this exploration may be a support.
If you would like to explore these types of topics with amazing women in a wonderful location, we invite you to register for the Alignment From Inside Out retreat Leah is co-facilitating in May.